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USA Barely Beats Iran in Meaningless International Competition

Trigger Warning: This article contains graphic depictions of an international soccer competition that most of our readers will find offensive and disturbing. Please proceed with caution.

Editor’s Note: The Free Beacon’s decision to report on the World Cup does not in any way constitute an endorsement of soccer, a fundamentally evil and anti-American enterprise. 

What happened?

The United States defeated Iran 1-0 on Tuesday to advance to the knockout stage of the World Cup, a meaningless international soccer competition being held in Qatar.

Forward Christian Pulisic scored the decisive goal toward the end of the first half but suffered an unfortunate injury to his swimsuit area in the process. He was unable to return after halftime.

Does it matter?

No, not really. Soccer is an inherently abhorrent enterprise that incentivizes faking, flopping, and fraud.

Was it an exciting game?

See above.

Why is Qatar hosting the World Cup?

Because FIFA is an irredeemably corrupt organization and Qatar is a terrorist-supporting oligarchy willing to pay enormous bribes.

Is Ben Rhodes okay? 

Not sure. He was presumably watching the game in Havana with his Iranian buddies. He has a history of getting emotional when his team loses.

What happens next? 

Who cares?

The post USA Barely Beats Iran in Meaningless International Competition appeared first on Washington Free Beacon.